Monthly Archives: August 2012
Ok, since I’m updating this during weekdays, it looks like you get a two-for-one in this post.
Last night, I came home from work, and immediately noticed something was off. It was the smell of bleach… but, knowing my wife as well as I do, I didn’t even have to look around to see if anything had been cleaned with bleach, I just knew that it hadn’t. So I look in the living room, there’s my wife, watching some TV show on netflix, not even paying attention to the one crying child in front of her… Wait… one? I definitely have two children. So I walk toward my bedroom, looking for my missing child that my damn wife seems to have forgotten about. Of course, when I arrive in the bedroom my son has the spray bottle of bleach cleaner, and is spraying it all over the bathroom. Add to that the fact that the bedroom was destroyed, clothes, blankets, decorations, lotion, drawers all of these things were everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean looked as if they’d all been piled on top of a grenade, then the explosion sent the items flying to all corners of the room. But hey, the good news is that my damn wife now knows the fate of Dr. McSexy on her favorite soap opera…
And then the morning comes.
Remember the $58.80 spent on used clothes that she claimed were for the kids? I do. Turns out that “for the kids” meant “for my damn wife” and they were all loaded into our already full closet. So this morning I’m getting ready for work, when, while pulling a pair of pants off of a hanger, the entire closet shelf on her side collapses under the weight of used clothes. So after shrugging a metric ton of clothes off of my head, I dug my way out of the pile on the floor, triumphantly emerging from the closet of doom with my work pants in tact. But, my damn wife insists that she doesn’t have enough clothes and still needs to buy more.
Hopefully all of my posts won’t be as long as the home buying one. I plan to make these short and to the point as they happen.
Prime example: I’m at work, and went out to my car on my lunch break. There is a nail in the front driver’s side tire. A new tire for my car is going to cost about $60. New tire being an emergency necessity, I quickly checked the bank account to make sure we’d still be in budget if I spend the $60. Turns out my wife just spend $58.80 on used clothes. She defends it by saying that most of it was clothes for the kids, which would make sense, if the the kids needed clothes. But as it stands, we could clothe an African nation-state with the amount of clothes she’s bought for our kids, and probably fund their army with the amount she’s spent on them.
A $60 tire won’t put us in the poor house, but we have emergency money set aside for a reason… that reason being emergencies. Definitely not for my damn wife to go on shopping sprees.
Ok, so I’ve been considering doing this for quite a while. Mostly as a means to vent using the thinly veiled anonymity of the internet. As the title suggests, this will me a blog entirely about my damn wife, and the ridiculous shit that she does. Also, there might be some bad language. I probably should have stated that before typing shit in the previous sentence. Oh well. Welcome to my blog, enjoy your stay, and I promise you that if the remaining years are anything like the first few, you will be thoroughly entertained.